Things are going in some interesting directions of late. I finally realized I was chasing all the wrong things in life, and put a halt to what I could. And so I write this as your average mom/grad school dropout. I've been in grad school for what feels like a billion years. I got one master's degree, and graduated right when the market crashed and I had no hope of finding a job, and getting in shape and stripping was going to be more of a time commitment than school, so I just went back. I was taking business classes, and almost at my post-grad certificate, when something in me just...broke. I couldn't make myself go to class. I couldn't make myself care about anything I was studying. I missed my kid, and my husband, and my life.
So I quit.
Anyone who thinks this is not a big deal wasn't raised in my family. In our family, you don't quit. You keep plugging away at whatever you're doing and YOU BE GOOD AT IT or ELSE. I never quite figured out what the or ELSE was, but my mom scared me enough that I didn't want to find out. So I ended up doing a lot of things I really hated, and becoming deathly afraid of failure.
Which is kind of stupid. I mean, everyone who was a success was a failure at some point. Einstein, Bill Gates....there's lots. Google that shit if you're interested. I'm not making a list for you, my research days are OVER. Quitting grad school was a good move for me. I don't feel like a failure and my life didn't end. I spend more time with my kid and I"m restructuring what I want to do with my life.
That whole "figuring it out" thing isn't going so well. I took the good job with the good money and the good insurance, and I'm not leaving anytime soon because, you know, insurance is nice. But I don't see myself there for life (which I think my boss realizes). But what do I want to be when I grow up?
Really, a humor writer. With a kickass job at a nonprofit on the side, saving the bay or local food or women's uteruses. I want a job that lets me be the social miscreant I am at heart. My next door neighbor is a stay at home mom, and she was just saying that she felt like staying at home was causing her to regress in her adulthood. I told her not to worry, I go to work every day and I think I'm regressing, too. I'm trying to remember what made me excited when I was young and stupid and idealistic, and to think about what I might actually be good at. It's a scary thing to even put that out there, because there's such a small chance that I'd ever make it as a writer. But you never know.
Now if only I'd figured out all of this and that money isn't what's important before I bought a lot of stuff I now have to work to pay for....
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
And we're puking.
Had a few entertaining things to post on facebook today and realized I needed to update this thing. Had gotten the kiddo to bed and was actually getting ready to type a new post, and I heard...that coughing. You moms know what I mean. That "Hmm, that doesn't sound like a cold cough, it sounds like he's going to...." and then you just run to the bedroom and try to get the kid to the bathroom before he unloads everything he's eaten for three days.
Today we actually made it. Ben was impressed. He asked me how I knew he was going to throw up. I guess you just get used to these things. And as usual, after the barfing and a bath, Henry was in pretty good spirits, so we'll just hope that it was an isolated incident and that it's not contagious.
All parents are laughing right now because of course it's not an isolated incident and of course it's contagious. I'll be up all night and chances are I'll be barfing by morning. It might not be the worst thing. I've been eating like a 15 year old boy lately (it's Girl Scout cookie season) and could probably use a cleanse. Maybe I'll even market it-I mean, if people will drink nothing but lemon juice and cayenne pepper for two weeks to lose weight, maybe they'll pay me to come over and have my kid cough on them! Same results, but with less wear and tear on your asshole. I haven't read too much on those lemon/pepper cleanses but I can't imagine the exit of those substances can be any easier than ingesting them.
Other than this fun event, these past few months have been action-packed. Ben's contracting business is taking off, my new job and school are taking up a ton of time, and this kid...this kid is changing by the day. We've got tons of words, a dinosaur fixation, much more relateability and empathy. It's just a really fun time in parenting. Today Henry threw his penguin down (he calls it his "baby") because he was mad at me and throwing a fit. When he calmed down, I said "You threw your baby and that wasn't nice." and he picked his penguin up, hugged it, and said "Sorry. Thank you."
How could that not melt your heart?
But all this development definitely brings a new sense of independence and a new sense of defiance. Henry's perfected the go-limp-and-cry method of resisting my attempts to corral him in public. Yesterday we got to see one of my uncles, who was in Virginia to take his son to play soccer. As we stood on the sidelines, with many spectators, Henry decided to pull the immobile protest because I wouldn't let him lay down in a puddle. As he laid face down in the dirt and cried, and other people looked on, I said "Hey, Uncle Larry, remember that time I was fifteen and I came home sloppy drunk and it was my dad's birthday? This is what I get for that." He laughed.
But I will try to post more, not only because my tens of readers would like me to, but also because I'm getting out and talking to more moms and running into the same kinds of issues and problems and fun stories. So we'll all share in the cute things our kids are doing, as well as the meltdown they had in the grocery store, or the tube of eye cream they shoplifted from Target. Not that Henry has done either of those things recently.
Not MY angel.
Today we actually made it. Ben was impressed. He asked me how I knew he was going to throw up. I guess you just get used to these things. And as usual, after the barfing and a bath, Henry was in pretty good spirits, so we'll just hope that it was an isolated incident and that it's not contagious.
All parents are laughing right now because of course it's not an isolated incident and of course it's contagious. I'll be up all night and chances are I'll be barfing by morning. It might not be the worst thing. I've been eating like a 15 year old boy lately (it's Girl Scout cookie season) and could probably use a cleanse. Maybe I'll even market it-I mean, if people will drink nothing but lemon juice and cayenne pepper for two weeks to lose weight, maybe they'll pay me to come over and have my kid cough on them! Same results, but with less wear and tear on your asshole. I haven't read too much on those lemon/pepper cleanses but I can't imagine the exit of those substances can be any easier than ingesting them.
Other than this fun event, these past few months have been action-packed. Ben's contracting business is taking off, my new job and school are taking up a ton of time, and this kid...this kid is changing by the day. We've got tons of words, a dinosaur fixation, much more relateability and empathy. It's just a really fun time in parenting. Today Henry threw his penguin down (he calls it his "baby") because he was mad at me and throwing a fit. When he calmed down, I said "You threw your baby and that wasn't nice." and he picked his penguin up, hugged it, and said "Sorry. Thank you."
How could that not melt your heart?
But all this development definitely brings a new sense of independence and a new sense of defiance. Henry's perfected the go-limp-and-cry method of resisting my attempts to corral him in public. Yesterday we got to see one of my uncles, who was in Virginia to take his son to play soccer. As we stood on the sidelines, with many spectators, Henry decided to pull the immobile protest because I wouldn't let him lay down in a puddle. As he laid face down in the dirt and cried, and other people looked on, I said "Hey, Uncle Larry, remember that time I was fifteen and I came home sloppy drunk and it was my dad's birthday? This is what I get for that." He laughed.
But I will try to post more, not only because my tens of readers would like me to, but also because I'm getting out and talking to more moms and running into the same kinds of issues and problems and fun stories. So we'll all share in the cute things our kids are doing, as well as the meltdown they had in the grocery store, or the tube of eye cream they shoplifted from Target. Not that Henry has done either of those things recently.
Not MY angel.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Reasons I am Getting Old, And the Ways It's Being Pointed Out To Me.
1. I have a real job, with a real career track.
2. The "buddy" assigned to help me learn my way around the office graduated college well after I did.
3. I am officially in the "people with young kids" group at said new job. While some groups talk about travel and bars and the softball league and how wasted they're getting this weekend, we talk about....Legos. And how much we miss sleep.
4. The other day, teenagers were blocking the road where I was driving and I snapped "What, you're too cool to get out of the street, like you're too cool TO WEAR A JACKET WHEN IT'S FORTY DEGREES OUT???"
5. We have date night.
6. Chances are 50/50 we'll fall asleep before the naked part of "date night".
7. I said having two glasses of wine was "probably too much". To someone who knew me when I was 23, and two glasses of wine was "breakfast".
Yeah, it's catching up with me. Not necessarily a bad thing-my thirties have already beat my twenties all to hell, and I'm only two years in. Getting a healthier start, working out, have a running buddy, doing yoga. But, as always, I got sick my first week of my new job. At least we've got the four day weekend for me to get over the cold-oh, and also to learn everything there is to know about auditing.
I guess number 8 would be that I'm going to be spending a four day weekend reading about auditing and wiping boogers off of myself and a 19 month old who acts like me wiping said boogers off his face is as painful as removing his skin.
At least I won't have a hangover.
2. The "buddy" assigned to help me learn my way around the office graduated college well after I did.
3. I am officially in the "people with young kids" group at said new job. While some groups talk about travel and bars and the softball league and how wasted they're getting this weekend, we talk about....Legos. And how much we miss sleep.
4. The other day, teenagers were blocking the road where I was driving and I snapped "What, you're too cool to get out of the street, like you're too cool TO WEAR A JACKET WHEN IT'S FORTY DEGREES OUT???"
5. We have date night.
6. Chances are 50/50 we'll fall asleep before the naked part of "date night".
7. I said having two glasses of wine was "probably too much". To someone who knew me when I was 23, and two glasses of wine was "breakfast".
Yeah, it's catching up with me. Not necessarily a bad thing-my thirties have already beat my twenties all to hell, and I'm only two years in. Getting a healthier start, working out, have a running buddy, doing yoga. But, as always, I got sick my first week of my new job. At least we've got the four day weekend for me to get over the cold-oh, and also to learn everything there is to know about auditing.
I guess number 8 would be that I'm going to be spending a four day weekend reading about auditing and wiping boogers off of myself and a 19 month old who acts like me wiping said boogers off his face is as painful as removing his skin.
At least I won't have a hangover.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Whee, that's fun. NOW STOP THAT.
I was thinking today about how confusing life must be for toddlers. As a parent, I spend half my time encouraging my son to play with stuff and throw stuff and eat stuff, and the other half trying to get him to not play with stuff or throw stuff or eat stuff. How much can an 18 month old really understand about that? This cookie is delicious, but no to the unidentifiable thing I found on the carpet? Yes, let's play catch with this ball, but no, I can't chuck around rocks from the driveway? Yes to this fun blinky toy but no to Mom's much more fun blinky iPhone?
I concluded at times he must just think I'm a colossal asshole. But he's getting to the point where he can communicate, and that has been pretty fun. I always try not to rush development, ever since I kept saying "When is he going to crawl?" and then he did and I've spent the time since then chasing him and remembering fondly when he was immobile.
But the language thing is good, because he can finally tell me what he wants. Generally it's a snack. Sometimes it's Dad. Sometimes it's a long string of things that I can't really understand. But he's sitting there playing with his toys and having a conversation that he certainly understands, and I am kind of anxious to find out what it's all about.
He also busted out his first curse word, which I was less proud of, though he used it appropriately. He turned too quickly and tripped over the dog, and said "DAMMIT" in a tone identical to his father. (Seriously the delivery was identical, he can't even try to blame me). I glared at Ben, who made a credible attempt to blend into the couch like a chameleon. Such a proud moment.
I'm also about to be an aunt again, which is really exciting, and from hearing my brother talk, one more little one won't be too far away. My mom and I had to laugh when he said they were going to "start trying" in the spring. In my family, there really isn't any "try". For the most part, that's one medical problem we don't run into. We have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, migraines, and premature gray hair on our genetically unavoidable giant domes, but fertility is not an issue. Pretty much as soon as you say "we're going to try" and then get within two feet of your partner's genitals, congratulations, in forty weeks you're going to be a parent. My ladyparts are completely scarred and broken and it still only took us one try, my dad is one of nine and I'm sure that number would have been higher, but my grandfather died.
So it looks to be an exciting new year. I will continue with the resolutions I've already started-healthier living to try to avoid the above-mentioned genetic problems so I can be around to laugh when Henry's kids say dammit for the first time. Happy New Year to all-I hope this is a great one.
I concluded at times he must just think I'm a colossal asshole. But he's getting to the point where he can communicate, and that has been pretty fun. I always try not to rush development, ever since I kept saying "When is he going to crawl?" and then he did and I've spent the time since then chasing him and remembering fondly when he was immobile.
But the language thing is good, because he can finally tell me what he wants. Generally it's a snack. Sometimes it's Dad. Sometimes it's a long string of things that I can't really understand. But he's sitting there playing with his toys and having a conversation that he certainly understands, and I am kind of anxious to find out what it's all about.
He also busted out his first curse word, which I was less proud of, though he used it appropriately. He turned too quickly and tripped over the dog, and said "DAMMIT" in a tone identical to his father. (Seriously the delivery was identical, he can't even try to blame me). I glared at Ben, who made a credible attempt to blend into the couch like a chameleon. Such a proud moment.
I'm also about to be an aunt again, which is really exciting, and from hearing my brother talk, one more little one won't be too far away. My mom and I had to laugh when he said they were going to "start trying" in the spring. In my family, there really isn't any "try". For the most part, that's one medical problem we don't run into. We have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, migraines, and premature gray hair on our genetically unavoidable giant domes, but fertility is not an issue. Pretty much as soon as you say "we're going to try" and then get within two feet of your partner's genitals, congratulations, in forty weeks you're going to be a parent. My ladyparts are completely scarred and broken and it still only took us one try, my dad is one of nine and I'm sure that number would have been higher, but my grandfather died.
So it looks to be an exciting new year. I will continue with the resolutions I've already started-healthier living to try to avoid the above-mentioned genetic problems so I can be around to laugh when Henry's kids say dammit for the first time. Happy New Year to all-I hope this is a great one.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
WARNING-this post also contains stuff about sex, so don't read it if you're under 18 or related to me END WARNING.
I've figured it out. After five and a half years, some of them difficult, some of them great, I have worked out what makes life easier and marital relations run smoothly, 99% of the time.
And it's having lots of sex.
That seems to be the first thing to go when you get too busy and you're working and/or have kids or just have a lot of stress in your life. In my brief surveys on the topic, I find that women are more likely to hold back than men are. This may be because women need to feel some emotional connection, and that needs to be a good emotion. Men don't seem to have that need as much. You could probably cut off your partner's toe, admit that you did it on purpose, then say "So, you want to go at it?" and he'd say "Sure, let me cauterize this thing and get my pants off."
I guess I can give credit to (or blame) these Dan Savage podcasts for my change in thinking. He made me realize how important that connection with your partner is. I mean, if you're not having sex you might as well just be roommates. And lack of it makes people crabby. Unless you're in one of those crazy swinging non-monogamous relationships (and good luck with that if you are, but hell if I'M shaving my legs for more than one guy) then it's something you share exclusively with your partner, and you need to remember how special it is.
So even if you don't really feel like it, get in there. I've found that it doesn't take long to change your mind, even if your thought right now is "He hasn't done dishes or bathed the kids in three weeks, he can go fuck himself, and so can you, for giving me this advice."
But here's the secret-a guy getting a lot of sex will do ANYTHING to keep getting a lot of sex. So if your sex life has been kind of slow, and it picks back up in a major way, you will both be in a better mood, and he will start doing the dishes. He will start doing anything you want just to keep that door open. The secret has been in our pants this whole time!
And I won't get too graphic here but ever since I embarked on this plan, I have a happier husband, a happier me, I've had dishes done, and the other day when I was heading downstairs with a basket full of laundry, he said "Allow me, my lady" and took it down and started it for me. You get to enjoy yourself, AND chores get done! (If you don't enjoy sex with your partner, I'm not really qualified to advise you on that. Come to think of it, I'm not really qualified to advise you on anything.)
So give it a shot and see if it doesn't work. And guys, if your wife/girlfriend reads this and you reap the benefits, I DO have an amazon wishlist if you want to thank me.
I've figured it out. After five and a half years, some of them difficult, some of them great, I have worked out what makes life easier and marital relations run smoothly, 99% of the time.
And it's having lots of sex.
That seems to be the first thing to go when you get too busy and you're working and/or have kids or just have a lot of stress in your life. In my brief surveys on the topic, I find that women are more likely to hold back than men are. This may be because women need to feel some emotional connection, and that needs to be a good emotion. Men don't seem to have that need as much. You could probably cut off your partner's toe, admit that you did it on purpose, then say "So, you want to go at it?" and he'd say "Sure, let me cauterize this thing and get my pants off."
I guess I can give credit to (or blame) these Dan Savage podcasts for my change in thinking. He made me realize how important that connection with your partner is. I mean, if you're not having sex you might as well just be roommates. And lack of it makes people crabby. Unless you're in one of those crazy swinging non-monogamous relationships (and good luck with that if you are, but hell if I'M shaving my legs for more than one guy) then it's something you share exclusively with your partner, and you need to remember how special it is.
So even if you don't really feel like it, get in there. I've found that it doesn't take long to change your mind, even if your thought right now is "He hasn't done dishes or bathed the kids in three weeks, he can go fuck himself, and so can you, for giving me this advice."
But here's the secret-a guy getting a lot of sex will do ANYTHING to keep getting a lot of sex. So if your sex life has been kind of slow, and it picks back up in a major way, you will both be in a better mood, and he will start doing the dishes. He will start doing anything you want just to keep that door open. The secret has been in our pants this whole time!
And I won't get too graphic here but ever since I embarked on this plan, I have a happier husband, a happier me, I've had dishes done, and the other day when I was heading downstairs with a basket full of laundry, he said "Allow me, my lady" and took it down and started it for me. You get to enjoy yourself, AND chores get done! (If you don't enjoy sex with your partner, I'm not really qualified to advise you on that. Come to think of it, I'm not really qualified to advise you on anything.)
So give it a shot and see if it doesn't work. And guys, if your wife/girlfriend reads this and you reap the benefits, I DO have an amazon wishlist if you want to thank me.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Guilt, Sex, and Arguing 102
***WARNING TO READERS WHO MAY BE RELATED TO ME***
This blog contains some stuff about sex. Some of it is graphic, although the graphic stuff does not involve me, I keep the details of our sex life private. I get that some people are exhibitionists and/or like to talk about different things they do, but I don't. And if you are one of those other people, I feel certain there are no shortage of websites that will allow you to do so, as the internet seems to be 97% porn, 2% Netflix ads, and 1% other. Just putting the warning out there in case you are someone close to me who really does not care to hear me or read me writing about genitalia. Or who, despite my being married and having a kid, would like to maintain the idea that I am a 31 year old virgin and don't engage in that sort of thing.
***END WARNING***
So Ben's been listening to a lot of Dan Savage. If you don't know who Dan Savage is, he's a writer and has a podcast and is behind the "It Gets Better" project, and I think he's a pretty cool guy with some great ideas. He is also gay, in a long-term relationship, and his writings and podcasts get very graphic and he gives level-headed advice. Today I heard one about a mom who discovered her son's large collection of urine-related porn, and wondered if it was healthy.
He pretty much gave the answer that I would have given, which is that some people just like to be peed on, and unless a porn obsession is about kids or animals or something damaging or illegal, you really don't want to talk to your mom about it. Personally, I don't plan on going into Henry's room after he turns nine, and I'm teaching him to do his own laundry lest I run into "the sock". And if you don't know what I mean by that, I'm not explaining it, because sexually I'm fairly repressed.
Anyway, Ben was listening to his podcast, and some of it has to do with more mainstream, less pee-related stuff, like being in a marriage where you don't have lots of sex. Or you used to, and you don't anymore. Or your partner has just brought up something they're really into and you're thinking "Holy hell there is no way I'm dressing up as the Hamburglar for this guy, I don't care how long we've been married." But it did bring up an issue we have in our marriage, which is pretty infrequent sex.
If you're not married and/or don't have kids yet, let me introduce you to the main arguments you will run into. Even other arguments generally devolve into or evolve from one of these main issues. I'll try to present both sides of the argument, because there generally are two sides to them, unless you're one of those couples where one person can say "Hey, this happened or this drives me crazy" and the other can say "Ok, I see your point, I'll work on that" and that's it. In which case, congratulations and also I hate you a little.
So here they are.
1. We're not having enough sex/Stop poking me in the back with that thing when I walk in the door/am doing dishes/bend over for any reason/am sleeping.
2. You don't do enough around the house/You don't tell me what you want me to do so when I get home I play XBox and have two beers and also you're a nag.
3. You don't help with the baby enough/You think you're the only person who can take care of the baby correctly and you don't let me/trust me to take care of the baby.
4. I get no time to myself/You never ask for time for yourself so I don't know that you need it.
Anyway, we were running into all four this week. We went to couples therapy a few times and the counselor pointed out that guys are retarded (he didn't use that word but he might as well have) and that we women need to point out where and when we need help, because a guy won't automatically jump in and do the dishes or take care of the kid or whatever.
One, I think this is kind of bullshit. If you are sitting at your house and your kid is crying and you can't get to your faucet because the dishes are piled to overflowing and your wife is looking at you like she's deciding which part of the crawl space your body would fit into, then you KNOW that some action is required on your part.
But I do accept that Ben will not come home in the same frame of mind that I do and think "Ok, let me feed the baby and do the laundry and wash these dishes and then there's lunch for tomorrow and I have to iron something and study and...."
He more thinks "Hey, I'm home! I"m going to have a beer and look at the internet and see if Megan will have sex with me." Actually, I don't think he so much actively "thinks" that as that's what the lizard part of his brain makes him do.
Guys also don't seem to experience guilt in the same way as women do. I have desperately needed some time to myself lately, to remind myself that I have interests and needs and I'm not just a faceless toddler mom who is around to meet everyone's needs but my own, only to totally snap one weekend and go on a wedding bender that results in unexplained bruises and a three day long hangover (not that this happened recently or anything).
I tried to explain the guilt to Ben-that I'm away at work so much, it's really hard for me to leave Henry because I feel that the time I have that's free, I should spend with him, and that I"m a bad mom if I don't. Again, here are the opposing thought processes.
ME: "I am a terrible mom because I am letting him watch King of the Hill while I fold laundry and he eats Cheerios and goldfish off a tray on the floor. We should be interacting and laughing and running through a field of flowers and making memories and this TV is rotting his brain and he should be having a balanced meal and....."
BEN, upon walking in to the same scene: "Mmmm, Cheerios for dinner!"
It makes you start to believe the Mars/Venus thing a bit.
Anyway, if you take anything away from this rambling post, let it be this. Moms, it's ok to leave for a Saturday afternoon and go and get your nails done, or see a movie, or talk to a friend, or read a book. Trust me, when your husband has his non-family time, he thinks about you, he misses you some, he probably comes home earlier and drinks less than he would have when he was single, but he doesn't feel guilty. That time to be an adult and to not be reading "Green Eggs and Ham" for the fortieth time that day is important. You will be a better mom and wife for it.
Guys, a piece of advice. If you don't already do this, SUGGEST that your wife take some time for herself. Schedule her a massage, organize a surprise night out with her friends, buy tickets for her and a girlfriend to a movie that you really don't want to get dragged to, anyway. You will most likely be repaid in a genital-involving manner. Don't make her ask for everything she needs. Because even if she is asking, chances are she's only asking for a fraction of what she needs from you.
And who knows, you may start to feel like the sexy woman you are, and the next time you get poked in the back while drifting off to sleep, you may just go for it.
I'll warn you, though, that can set a dangerous precedent.
This blog contains some stuff about sex. Some of it is graphic, although the graphic stuff does not involve me, I keep the details of our sex life private. I get that some people are exhibitionists and/or like to talk about different things they do, but I don't. And if you are one of those other people, I feel certain there are no shortage of websites that will allow you to do so, as the internet seems to be 97% porn, 2% Netflix ads, and 1% other. Just putting the warning out there in case you are someone close to me who really does not care to hear me or read me writing about genitalia. Or who, despite my being married and having a kid, would like to maintain the idea that I am a 31 year old virgin and don't engage in that sort of thing.
***END WARNING***
So Ben's been listening to a lot of Dan Savage. If you don't know who Dan Savage is, he's a writer and has a podcast and is behind the "It Gets Better" project, and I think he's a pretty cool guy with some great ideas. He is also gay, in a long-term relationship, and his writings and podcasts get very graphic and he gives level-headed advice. Today I heard one about a mom who discovered her son's large collection of urine-related porn, and wondered if it was healthy.
He pretty much gave the answer that I would have given, which is that some people just like to be peed on, and unless a porn obsession is about kids or animals or something damaging or illegal, you really don't want to talk to your mom about it. Personally, I don't plan on going into Henry's room after he turns nine, and I'm teaching him to do his own laundry lest I run into "the sock". And if you don't know what I mean by that, I'm not explaining it, because sexually I'm fairly repressed.
Anyway, Ben was listening to his podcast, and some of it has to do with more mainstream, less pee-related stuff, like being in a marriage where you don't have lots of sex. Or you used to, and you don't anymore. Or your partner has just brought up something they're really into and you're thinking "Holy hell there is no way I'm dressing up as the Hamburglar for this guy, I don't care how long we've been married." But it did bring up an issue we have in our marriage, which is pretty infrequent sex.
If you're not married and/or don't have kids yet, let me introduce you to the main arguments you will run into. Even other arguments generally devolve into or evolve from one of these main issues. I'll try to present both sides of the argument, because there generally are two sides to them, unless you're one of those couples where one person can say "Hey, this happened or this drives me crazy" and the other can say "Ok, I see your point, I'll work on that" and that's it. In which case, congratulations and also I hate you a little.
So here they are.
1. We're not having enough sex/Stop poking me in the back with that thing when I walk in the door/am doing dishes/bend over for any reason/am sleeping.
2. You don't do enough around the house/You don't tell me what you want me to do so when I get home I play XBox and have two beers and also you're a nag.
3. You don't help with the baby enough/You think you're the only person who can take care of the baby correctly and you don't let me/trust me to take care of the baby.
4. I get no time to myself/You never ask for time for yourself so I don't know that you need it.
Anyway, we were running into all four this week. We went to couples therapy a few times and the counselor pointed out that guys are retarded (he didn't use that word but he might as well have) and that we women need to point out where and when we need help, because a guy won't automatically jump in and do the dishes or take care of the kid or whatever.
One, I think this is kind of bullshit. If you are sitting at your house and your kid is crying and you can't get to your faucet because the dishes are piled to overflowing and your wife is looking at you like she's deciding which part of the crawl space your body would fit into, then you KNOW that some action is required on your part.
But I do accept that Ben will not come home in the same frame of mind that I do and think "Ok, let me feed the baby and do the laundry and wash these dishes and then there's lunch for tomorrow and I have to iron something and study and...."
He more thinks "Hey, I'm home! I"m going to have a beer and look at the internet and see if Megan will have sex with me." Actually, I don't think he so much actively "thinks" that as that's what the lizard part of his brain makes him do.
Guys also don't seem to experience guilt in the same way as women do. I have desperately needed some time to myself lately, to remind myself that I have interests and needs and I'm not just a faceless toddler mom who is around to meet everyone's needs but my own, only to totally snap one weekend and go on a wedding bender that results in unexplained bruises and a three day long hangover (not that this happened recently or anything).
I tried to explain the guilt to Ben-that I'm away at work so much, it's really hard for me to leave Henry because I feel that the time I have that's free, I should spend with him, and that I"m a bad mom if I don't. Again, here are the opposing thought processes.
ME: "I am a terrible mom because I am letting him watch King of the Hill while I fold laundry and he eats Cheerios and goldfish off a tray on the floor. We should be interacting and laughing and running through a field of flowers and making memories and this TV is rotting his brain and he should be having a balanced meal and....."
BEN, upon walking in to the same scene: "Mmmm, Cheerios for dinner!"
It makes you start to believe the Mars/Venus thing a bit.
Anyway, if you take anything away from this rambling post, let it be this. Moms, it's ok to leave for a Saturday afternoon and go and get your nails done, or see a movie, or talk to a friend, or read a book. Trust me, when your husband has his non-family time, he thinks about you, he misses you some, he probably comes home earlier and drinks less than he would have when he was single, but he doesn't feel guilty. That time to be an adult and to not be reading "Green Eggs and Ham" for the fortieth time that day is important. You will be a better mom and wife for it.
Guys, a piece of advice. If you don't already do this, SUGGEST that your wife take some time for herself. Schedule her a massage, organize a surprise night out with her friends, buy tickets for her and a girlfriend to a movie that you really don't want to get dragged to, anyway. You will most likely be repaid in a genital-involving manner. Don't make her ask for everything she needs. Because even if she is asking, chances are she's only asking for a fraction of what she needs from you.
And who knows, you may start to feel like the sexy woman you are, and the next time you get poked in the back while drifting off to sleep, you may just go for it.
I'll warn you, though, that can set a dangerous precedent.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Just breathe....
So I'm getting up in the morning to run now, mainly because if I don't get it over with early, I find excuses not to go. Plus two days a week I have night classes, so there really isn't any time. My afternoons are pretty full with getting Henry home, fed, bathed, and put to bed, especially now that he brings us upwards of six books to read every night. I guess he should just get one, but if you can resist a kid bringing you a book and then getting himself situated in your lap, then looking up at you expectantly, then you're a tougher person than I am. Or than Ben is (I still maintain that he's a bigger sucker than I am when it comes to that).
But there are some things to remember when running in the morning. You'll be tired and out of it, because you just woke up. So it's important to have short-term goals that you can concentrate on, like finishing a mile, or getting to the top of the next hill. (My personal goal is to avoid lying down on the sidewalk and going back to sleep. Whatever works.). However, you need to remain aware of your surroundings, for safety reasons and to avoid falls. Also, if you are deep in thought, and all of a sudden the sprinkler system you're running past sputters on in a very loud and startling way, you may screech like a girl and come dangerously close to peeing your pants.
Not that this happened to me today. Or ever. Although if it did, hypothetically, I think my speed for the next twenty feet or so would rival that of Carl Lewis. A good scare can give you that adrenaline rush you need.
Anyway, so when I got home, I decided to attempt a yoga DVD. I have a bad back, so I ordered one specifically for back care, and it has been really helpful. I figured I could get as much of the DVD done as I could before Henry woke up, then get him set up for breakfast and finish the rest. He woke up pretty quickly after I started, but seemed to enjoy the entertainment with his meal. He did finish breakfast before I finished the DVD, so I set him down on the floor to play while I wrapped up my workout.
This made me decide I needed to narrate a yoga workout for those of us with impatient kids. "Ok, on your next inhale, you're going to lower into plank....on the exhale, a 26 pound kid is going to throw himself across your back....ok, use his weight in the pose...on the next inhale, he will dig the corner of "The Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar" into your spine....use this to focus your energy..breathe....."
It's not the most relaxing thing, but we get to have some fun before he goes to school and I go to work, and hey, my back does feel better. I'd try one of the kid yoga workouts if I thought he had the attention span for it, but I don't know that Henry's the yoga type. He currently gets most of his exercise by climbing on things he shouldn't, beating one object on another object, or chasing the dogs. They do say find a workout you enjoy, or you won't stick with it. Thank goodness Jack Russells are fast.
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