Thursday, April 14, 2011

Delaware, Aquariums, and Pageants. Among Other Things.

We've had an exciting few weeks.  The weekend before last my dad and I ran the Monument Ave. 10k, very, very slowly.  Ben went to Atlantic City and has only recently stopped coughing up stripper glitter.  Just kidding, I have yet to spot a speck of glitter.  Maybe strippers are using something new now.  I don't know, not my field.  Last weekend Henry, my mom and I packed up and headed to Delaware for one of my cousin's bridal showers.

There are a few things you need to understand about my family to make any of my posts about them make sense.  One is that there are a lot of us.  My dad has eight brothers and sisters, and they all have at least two kids.  Now it's come about that the kids are having kids (not together, we're Delaware, not West Virginia).  So there are even more of us, and some more on the way, and weddings are always happening and always very, very fun, though they can produce epic hangovers.

But this was the first time that the extended family got to meet Henry, so I was excited.  He was a total charmer, grabbed lots of boobs, and ate anything anyone placed near his mouth.  And of course, everyone talked about how cute he was.  That happens a lot when you have a kid and I'm never sure how to feel about it.  Not because I don't think he's cute-I do, I think he's the cutest kid to ever be born, but I know that every mom feels that way.  His day care teachers are pushing me to put him in "cutest baby" contests, but I just can't, for many reasons.

1.  I think those contests are pageanty and creepy.
2.  I'm pretty sure for what I pay them a week his day care teachers are contractually obligated to tell me my kid is the cutest kid that ever was.
3.  If he didn't win, then someone would be implying that he ISN'T the cutest kid who ever was, and I'd have to punch someone.

I don't know, I've managed to get this far without a felony and a prison tattoo, I think I'll just keep that trend going.

So we saw the family for not enough time, because my mom got jumpy and wanted to get moving.  We had decided to take Henry to the National Aquarium in Baltimore on Sunday.  We showed up and wandered through, he loved it-particularly the dolphins.  We were sitting by the tank watching them swim by and play when a family sat down next to us.

The mom of said family started asking "Why do they go to the surface? I mean, they're fish! Why are they jumping?"
The husband offered a few lame explanations and they basically got into a fight about fish and how they live.

I generally do not get into other people's conversations but I felt the stupidity of this one was reaching a point where it might affect MY kid.  I mean, even he was looking at them like they were stupid.  I finally said "Dolphins are mammals. They breathe oxygen, they have to go to the surface."

The mom looks at me and says, I swear to God, "If they're mammals, why do they live in the ocean?"

And then proceeds to ask if they can hold their breath longer than humans and if that's "why they live so close to the surface."

I don't know how she is allowed to get a license or vote, because I was pretty sure this was one of the things covered in third grade science, but she really kept asking these questions.  Every time I answered her, the husband would repeat what I'd just said, like he'd known the answer all along.

Ben and I debated who'd seen more stupidity-me in that scenario or him in Atlantic City.   Pretty sure I won.

But now we're home, and on Sunday, Henry seemed to sense that there was no longer an audience to impress with good behavior.  Ben put him in his high chair and he looked at us, screamed, and kicked the tray off onto the floor.  His expression said "There's no company to impress now.  Show's over, bitches."

The sad thing is, he's so good around other people that no one ever believes me.  Not Henry, that perfect angel!


Friday, April 8, 2011


Well, we finished the 10K!  And yes, while I may have been passed by several tree sloths and an injured turtle, I ran the whole way.  Now on to the Lynchburg half-marathon, and all I can say is, good thing it's four months away.  I also started a weight training DVD, and all I can say is OW.  My legs have never been so sore.  It didn't help that the video has some....questionable moves and sound effects from the instructor, which were making Ben a little amorous.  Let's put it this way-if your DVD instructor has you doing squats while she grunts "Give me a good hard one!" your husband is going to giggle like a schoolgirl and you're going to lose your balance.

In baby news, we have definitely reached the tantrum milestone, Henry has decided that he gets to have everything he wants exactly when he wants it, and if you disagree, then God help you.  Since I tend to disagree on certain things, like whether or not he should be able to chew on the dog bowl or crash glass objects together, we are entering a new phase of the parenting roller coaster.  And this kid is dramatic.  He completely throws himself over backwards, kicks his feet, does that one scream and then holds his breath for the next one, which you know is going to be window-shattering....yeah, it's fun.  At least today he learned that it's not a stellar idea to throw yourself over backwards when there is not a person sitting behind you and you've misjudged the placement of your boppy.  CLUNK.  I swear, this kid has a head like a battering ram.

He's also exhibiting some worrisome feats of strength.  I got to day care the other day and his teacher was sitting and talking to him about why one should not lift up the playmat (which is about 10x10 feet and thick, it's like a gym mat) and attempt to toss the other kids off of it.  He also picked up his baby gate and threw it a good four feet last weekend. I'm a little worried that he's been doing my weight DVD when I haven't been looking.  

When he's in a good mood, he's all sorts of fun now.  Finding new things, eating new things (hopefully not just dirt, but actual food) and spending more time with his extended family.  This weekend Mom and I are taking him up to Delaware to meet all the aunts and uncles and cousins.  I think he's going to have a ball, but I"m worried that my Uncle Joey will corrupt him and get him to join the Bad Boys Club, which consists of him and a few of my male cousins, not to mention my nephew Chase.  From what I gather, the Bad Boys Club does a lot of talking about boobs.  Not sure what else.

Well, Henry's quite fond of grabbing those, regardless of how well he (or I) knows the owner of said boobs, so he'll probably fit right in.