I'm not so into Valentine's Day. And I don't say that in the "oh, I'm trying to be blase about it, but GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DON'T COME THROUGH WITH A PRESENT" way. I just don't really dig it. Ben and I, while very in love and very happy together, are not terribly romantic people. The one time we did try to have a romantic Valentine's Day, it went badly. He grabbed me and kissed me when I wasn't expecting it, and I accidentally jabbed him in the eye really hard. Later on, I was giving him a massage, and he farted on me. (Whenever I bring this up, he insists that "you shifted your weight. I couldn't help it.")
So yeah, we generally give each other a small gift or two and he makes me chili. And let me tell you, nothing gets you geared up for a night of romantic love like a stomach full of chili. Hot.
This year I did manage to surprise him by finding a brand of hot sauce he had once in a restaurant and really liked. Found it on amazon, the most wonderful place in the world for people who hate shopping. He brought me roses today. Tomorrow's my day off, and I get to take Henry to the wang doctor (ok, so the technical term is urologist. Whatever. Wang doctor.) One of his guys hasn't dropped yet. I'm sure he'll be in a stellar mood after being prodded in the junk.
I did start thinking about relationships on my run today. I took my Ipod, which I generally don't do, I like the quiet and random thoughts that pop into my head when I'm out on the road. But today I had to do 30 straight minutes and that hasn't happened since before I got pregnant, so I figured I needed a distraction. There's always a band you associate with certain people, and my ipod went to Death Cab for Cutie. Not a band I'm crazy about anymore, but it reminded me of the guy I dated before I met Ben. It was a fairly overdramatic relationship, but he's a good guy, and he got me out of a very deep rut that I'd dug for myself. Even though things didn't work out, he got me to think about what I wanted out of my life. I think up to that point I'd been bending over backwards to fit into other people's lives. Yeah, it ended badly, but we're sort of friends now. Again, still not a big Death Cab fan.
But before I get angry emails, I'm not saying they're terrible. I'm just saying that if you're sitting in the dark, listening to Transatlanticism over and over again because you feel like it's applicable to you, then it's time to evaluate your life and look at other options. Same goes for Tori Amos or Morrissey.
After that Drive-by Truckers came on, and it made me smile because that's a band that is forever linked to Ben for me. And I thought about how lucky I was that my life, and the people in it, had led me here. I once read a short story where the main character says something to the effect of "You could spend your life in abject terror, thinking of all the things that might not have happened." So when I think of that particular ex (who I'd rather call my friend than my ex at this point) I'm glad for the experience, because it helped me see what was important to me. And I know he's doing what he wants, where he wants to be, and I hope he's happy. It's an amazing thing, gaining some perspective.
Now all my other exes, including the one who passed out in the middle of a Subway robbery and the one who inserted himself into movie plots and then pretended those things really happened to HIM....yeah, I don't really care where the hell they ended up.
I will say that I thank whatever's out there, deity-wise, that my life went the way it did, because it got me to Ben, and eventually, to my beautiful son. I love you guys more than anything. Happy Valentine's Day.